Sebastian
Thorpe is without question the kindest most congenial man on the
entire planet; he is a rather distinguished man in his early sixties,
with sparkling clear blue eyes, a full head of grey hair and a
matching beard. He has a fondness for wearing tweed jackets and
corduroy pants and often sports a matching cap on his head. It
is believed that in his entire life he has never once hurt a single
living creature or even, for that matter, lost his temper. He
has a great keenness for computers, and his marvelous and infectious
warm disposition has resulted in him acquiring and maintaining
hundreds and upon hundreds of friends from all around the world.
Mr. Thorpe in addition has an uncanny and delightful way of coining
a phrase, and as a result there are many that are immediately
associated with the great man, which have come to be known as
Thorpisms. He is also rightly proud to call the blissful Yorkshire
dales his home, regarded by many scholars to be the most perfect
place in the Universe to live. One typically rainy and chilly
day Mr. Thorpe sat there by his beloved computer, answering his
562nd email of the day, (and it was not even noon yet) when an
intriguing thought suddenly struck him… 'Wouldn't it be
a far easier task to have my computer answer all of my email?'
As
a natural true genius with unnatural abilities with microchip
technology our beloved and handsome hero Mr. Thorpe in less than
a week, and on the budget of twelve pound and thirty seven pence,
designed and put together the perfect gizmo. He had programmed
it with all the 211 distinct and rather famous Thorpisms's, so
everyone would recognize at once who was replying to their email.
At
a little past three in the morning, with the rain still pouring
outside, he opened a bottle of Hens tooth ale (the greatest beer
ever) to celebrate the auspicious occasion, Mr. Thorpe was filled
with anticipation, and with his sleeping dog at his feet, switched
his new contraption on.
All
at once a peculiar series of whirring and buzzing with the occasional
high pitch beep filled his office. He particularly enjoyed that
high pitched beep, it did not do a bloody thing, but it made him
grin from ear to ear..
Opening
his email he discovered, with delight, that as usual the in box
full!
'Fantastic.'
Mr. Thorpe thought, rubbing his hands together…'Bloomin'
fantastic'
Thirty
minutes later, whilst he enjoyed the emails, his beloved gadget
had answered them all!
And
so this went on for several weeks…But it was on a Monday
morning when he noted that the machine was beginning to take on
a life of itself…It did not seem satisfied with simply answering
the emails anymore, it suddenly began writing them as well! Mr.
Thorpe tried to unplug it, but for some reason however much he
tried the plug refused to leave the socket. As Sebastian watched
on helpless the whirring got louder, and the beeping sound that
he had once enjoyed so much began to annoy him…
So
the scenario unfolded for thirty three days, and thirty three
nights with our Sebastian watching on powerless …Then finally,
after the machine had apparently sent Thorpe wisdom to every single
computer on the entire planet, (and quite possibly beyond!) it
made one terrific final bang, and imploded…
It
was then a peculiar thing happened…The whole world began
to think like Mr. Thorpe… Everyone became vegetarian, began
drinking really good beer, and everyone began being a little nicer.
But that was just the beginning. Somehow Mr. Thorpe's gizmo had
managed to zap all hatred in the world! People actually began
caring for each other, husbands started appreciating there spouses,
children their parents, editors their writers and so on. The spell
was in fact so strong and compelling that even all wars were ended,
people actually began working together to stop starvation and
disease, instead of killing each other. Borders ceased to exist,
churches were churches, mosques and temples were closed as all
past religions became outdated and defunct, as the words of the
new prophet, Sebastian Thorpe, made far more sense.… And
one whole new world religion was formed, the Thorpistics…
and the Earth lived prosperously, healthily and, dare I say, happily
ever after…
Well
at least until the little purple, three headed, hairy men invaded
from outer space, three months later...
But
that, as they say, is a different story entirely.
