Harold
stood tall for his age. That's wwwhat everyone said. They also
said that Harold's brain wwwas special after the wwwar. Harold
didn't remember much from before the wwwar. Harold prized tidiness.
Harold prized organization. Harold prized predictability. The
only thing Harold thought special about Harold wwwas that he liked
to speak of himself in the third person.
After
the wwwar, Harold lived alone in his parents' basement. He spent
all his time on his computer. Harold amassed a considerable Matchbox
collection through eBay. Modern life allowed Harold to exist outside
the social fabric by earning his keep through Internet transactions.
Harold chose to live wwwith minimal human contact and made enough
money over time to even purchase his prized possession: a green
Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking sunroof.
One
day, Harold decided to get a girlfriend online. Harold never had
a girlfriend before. Harold ordered a pleasant-looking lady through
a reputable internet site that had 187 positive user reviews.
The lady introduced herself as Laredo. She had curly brown hair.
She had curves that momentarily made Harold stop thinking about
his green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking sunroof.
Harold asked her to come over every Friday night.
Each
Friday night, Laredo came over and sported Harold after she swiped
his credit card. Once, afterwards, Harold explained to her about
his Matchbox car collection. He told her that his Matchbox car
collection had been appraised for $100,000.
One
night, Laredo asked Harold if she could sleep over. Harold said
he never had a sleepover before. Harold decided on it being okay
so long as she didn't touch Harold's Matchbox car collection.
Harold
awoke the next morning and couldn't find Laredo. Also, Harold
couldn't find his green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking
sunroof.
Harold
picked up the ransom note that Laredo left him. It said that Harold's
green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking sunroof might
be returned to him at the State Fair in one month in exchange
for $100,000. The note also said not to tell his parents or call
the police.
Harold
memorized the note and then ate it. He needed his green Matchbox
1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking sunroof back and had to follow
the instructions on the note.
One
month later, Harold arrived at the State Fair. He had not been
out in public in a long time. He had never seen so many people.
His first backpack held the $100,000 that he made from selling
his Matchbox car collection. His second backpack contained his
travel belongings.
Harold
didn't know where to go once he got onto the fairgrounds since
the ransom note didn't specify. Some people asked if Harold belonged
to the sideshow. Harold just kept looking for his green Matchbox
1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking sunroof. Harold investigated
the Midway, the tractor pull, the magic show, and the lumberjack
competition. The entire time, Harold avoided eye contact and kept
thinking about the shiny upholstery in the tiny sunroof that flicked
open and closed on his green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin. Harold
had flicked the sunroof open and closed 2,078 times since he owned
it.
Finally,
Harold sat down in the stands among everyone else to see the daredevil
motorcycle show. The biker appeared and drove his motorcycle through
a ring of fire. Harold couldn't see the biker's face because of
the helmet. Everyone cheered but Harold kept looking in the crowd
for Laredo and his green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking
sunroof.
A
curtain rose in the middle of the arena and the biker revealed
12,000 Matchbox cars all lined up in 12 rows of 1000 Matchbox
cars each. A motorcycle ramp had been set up for jumping at each
end of the cars. Harold immediately stood up, scanning the 12,000
Matchbox cars lined up in 12 rows of 1000 Matchbox cars each for
his green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking sunroof.
Harold thought that he should have brought his binoculars in his
second backpack. Harold grew nervous that his green Matchbox 1973
AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking sunroof might be one of the cars
in the arena. If the biker didn't make the jump, he might land
on Harold's green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking
sunroof.
Someone
told Harold to sit down. He called Harold by the wrong name. Harold
turned around and said that his name wwwas Harold, not Rain Man.
Harold sat down and tried to calm himself. He counted the lined-up
Matchbox cars and then thought of the average number of treads
on the type of tire for those cars if they had been full-sized,
then multiplied the number of cars by four, then multiplied that
number by the number of treads to get the total number of treads
in the arena. Then Harold added the treads on the motorcycle.
This helped calm Harold down.
The
biker's motorcycle roared as it made a wwwheelie and approached
the ramp. Suddenly, the biker appeared to be in mid-air. Harold
started blinking his eyes quickly to make the motorcycle in mid-air
go faster, like a movie. Harold held his breath and kept blinking.
Finally, Harold put his fists over his eyes.
The
crowd around him started cheering. Harold opened his eyes. The
biker made it past all the cars but started spinning out-of-control
towards the fence. The motorcycle crashed through the fence and
straight into the chicken coop. The biker's helmet had flown off
during the crash. Everyone grew quiet. Then, everyone stood to
see if the biker had been hurt.
And
the biker slowly rose to his feet, wwwiped the chicken shit off
his boots, and smiled for the first time.
The
crowds cheered even louder. Harold banged his fists on his ears
and squinted his eyes to make them stop. After all the camera
flashes died down, Harold opened his eyes long enough to get a
good look at the biker.
It
wwwas Laredo.
Harold
shook his hands at her but she didn't see him. Harold tried to
run down to the arena to find his car but the crowds held him
back. It took Harold a half-hour to get to the arena but, by then,
all the cars had been removed to make room for a horse that did
tricks.
People
stood on-line to get Laredo's autograph. She stood behind a rope
and two cowboys stood next to her. Harold got in line. Harold
rocked back and forth. Harold's groaning got so loud that people
asked him to stop. Someone poured honey on his hair and everyone
laughed. Harold didn't care.
Harold's
turn came up. Harold handed the first backpack containing the
$100,000 to Laredo and asked for his green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin
wwwith a wwworking sunroof. She told him that the car remained
hidden somewhere on the fairgrounds. She turned around and left
and the two cowboys didn't let Harold follow her.
Harold's
groaning became louder. He sat under a tent and rocked. He could
have stayed there forever except for the…
BEES!
The
bees flew round Harold's head. Harold started to run frantically
in all directions at once. Despite the doctor's assurances, Harold
knew he remained fatally allergic to bees. Harold ran and ran
from the bees. Harold ran into the Dairy Exhibition Building.
The bees stayed outside.
Harold
stopped as soon as he saw the butter sculpture. The sculpture
stood 10 feet tall and portrayed a cowgirl swinging a lasso in
her right hand and holding a Colt 45 revolver in her left hand.
Harold
remembered the gun training during the wwwar. Harold knew immediately
that his green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking sunroof
lay inside the butter Colt 45 revolver. Harold's war training
told him that the butter Colt 45 revolver trigger needed a metal
base that could support it and that only the flipping action of
a sunroof of a green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin could provide that
support. And he knew that Laredo had placed it there for Harold
to find. And he knew how to get it.
Harold
took his scissors out of his backpack and found the bathroom.
He cut off all his hair so as not to attract any more bees. Then,
Harold found the sideshow exhibit. The cowboys let him in past
the rope for the sideshow performers. Harold hid behind the sideshow
dressing room until dark. Once everybody had gone, Harold snuck
back to the Dairy Exhibition Building and the butter sculpture.
The refrigerator had been left on all night so the butter sculpture
room stayed cold.
Harold
climbed on top of a ladder he found until he stood next to the
butter Colt 45 revolver. Harold reached into his backpack and
took out six pieces of toast and a butter knife. He scooped up
some butter and spread it on the toast and ate it. He did this
five more times until he didn't have any more toast.
By
this time, Harold could see the green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin
wwwith a wwworking sunroof. Harold suddenly heard someone knocking
on the Dairy Exhibition Building door.
Harold
grabbed the statue's hand and snapped it off. Quickly, he began
to lick off the rest of the butter. Harold heard the door open.
Harold swallowed his green Matchbox 1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a
wwworking sunroof and put the remainder of the butter hand holding
the butter Colt 45 revolver back on the butter cowgirl.
Harold
jumped down and ran out the other door. He took a bus home. He
swallowed medicine that would make him poo out his green Matchbox
1973 AMC Gremlin wwwith a wwworking sunroof. As he sat rocking
on the toilet, looking at his empty Matchbox car collection display
case, Harold swore that he wwwould never date again.
